Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in Sr Claudia Wolf's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
10:06 pm	Why this is hell, nor am I out of it.  Think’st thou that I, who saw the face of God, and tasted the eternal joys of heaven, am not tormented with ten thousand hells in being deprived of everlasting bliss?! Hell is such a very personal thing, I imagine. Sometimes, and God forgive me if this is blasphemy, the greatest Hell is to go on living.   Why did I survive? I didn't deserve to be saved. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 21st, 2006
6:32 pm	"You hated your father, didn't you? I saw the way he hit you, kicked you, and made you cry. The memory of his cruelty is forever burned into my mind." I didn't really hate him, you know. I didn't... Forgiveness is a gift from God, it is a sacrifice and an ultimate test of faith, strength and virtue. If we can forgive those who have done us such great wrong, then we will surely be with God in Paradise. We will surely go to Heaven. My father did terrible things to me. I am ashamed to even think about them. His memory makes me feel weak and helpless...and worthless. I remember when I was a child, he would lock me in the cupboard for hours and hours at a time. Sometimes he'd be so inebriated, intoxicated, that he would forget about me, and I would sit in the dark and sob until I fell asleep. I was terrifed of him. Sometimes I would pray for him to die...not even out of malice, but just because I was so scared. But it was better in the cupboard than to catch his attention. He was a brutal disciplinarian. Sometimes he would come up with a reason to punish me, usually something trivial, but more often than not he would just beat me senseless just for being such a disappointment to him. The other children at school thought I was strange. It's a very human trait that nothing which is unusual ever survives for long unpunished. I was too proud, too strange looking, and I quoted scripture too much, talked about God, scared them...I don't know. Perhaps even just that I was friends with Alessa. They called us witches. My childhood was a mass of purple bruises. I'd go into class covered in blood, with a black eye or some such injury, and the teachers would shake their heads and accuse me of fighting. It was easier, I suppose, than being forced to acknowledge the truth. I'd go into school with the marks from my father's cruelty, and the children would laugh and jeer and invariably, I'd collect more injuries. The teachers would accuse me of fighting. They'd send me home, my father would see me in a worse state than when I'd left him, and he would punish me. And so the cycle continued. But I had God. No matter what happened, I could always pray. Even when they took Alessa away from me, I could still pray. It was the one thing no one could ever take away. Father said I was too religious for my own good. And he a priest, as well! He said my place was in the kitchen, not in The Order. The first time I told him I wanted to be a priestess, he beat me so badly that I woke up in Alchemilla Hospital, as it was called then. I found him holding my hand, the picture of concern. The nurses knew...I think. They'd shake their heads, and slip me treats like comics (I was too afraid to read them though), but what else could they do. Leonard Wolf was a powerful man. I wore a scapula once, with a sacred picture of the Holy Mother on it. He saw it just as I was leaving the house and ripped it off from around my neck, then backhanded me so hard I could taste blood. I didn't leave the house that day, I was confined to the cupboard.  He always said I was never too old for him to beat. Even when I went away to Pleasant River University, to study theology for that marvellous, marvellous year, I still came home at the weekends. He'd never be pleased to see me, but he'd always be angry at me for being away. I still wonder why he even sent me there...was it just to save face? Still, in the end, I became a priestess, just as I'd always wanted. I was able to serve God, so perhaps She had a divine plan for even me. But the thing is, you see. I don't really forgive him. It might seem like I do, but I can't.  Because he told me that I was worthless, that I was weak, and pathetic, and useless, and sinful, and a burden, and a snivelling coward. And you can't very well forgive someone who was in the right.  I firmly believe that I deserved every single beating I recieved. He was right all along about me. I tried to pretend he wasn't, still try, but I can't.  He was wrong about Paradise, about only the chosen ones being elligible for God's mercy. He was wrong to take White Claudia, to drink, to fornicate, to lie and cheat. But as for his treatment of me? It was only what I deserve.  I wonder how he would have reacted to what I did to Vincent? Father always said I wasn't good enough for him. I wonder what have thought of me killing him? If regret wasn't such a damned futile endeavour, I would regret that act wholeheartedly. I thought I'd feel better when I was free of him...but he's still under my skin. And now it feels like that part of me has been cut out, and filled up with guilt and horror. Oh, the clarity of hindsight! Still, if I'm being objective, is it not better for the world that he's not around to be meddling in the affairs of the divine? I wish I could believe that. I am a murderer, twice over. Three times, since my shoulders are not entirely free from the blame for Father's death either...although perhaps if Vincent were alive, I would pass that responsibility onto him. Still, bizarrely, although I didn't realise this at the time...I should be grateful that there was always, always someone in my life to truly punish me for my sins, and for my weakness. After all, happy people can be so cruel. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 17th, 2006
9:40 am	The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory! Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Level Score Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very High Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) High Level 2 (Lustful) Very Low Level 3 (Gluttonous) Low Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Very Low Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Low Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) Very Low Level 7 (Violent) Low Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Moderate Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) Very Low Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test How apt. Yet for the sins I have committed, I don't deserve to ever feel the sun on my face. I don't deserve God's mercy. Yet, She is infinite in her compassion. She shames me with her forgiveness, and unconditional love. I have a chance now, to atone. To go back to Silent Hill, and bring about Her Kingdom on Earth. I will not allow my pride, my vanity or my selfishness to blind me to what I must do. This is not about me, not about my dearest Alessa. I see that now. I see that I must be focused and unwavering. If blood must be shed, I will shed it. I will damn myself over and over again. For Her. And for the world. Oh, what a hopeless and dark place the world is! Come, God, come with Holy fire, and burn out all that festers. Light up the hearts of mankind, destroy it all, and bring the peace which can only come with destruction! My head is so light. I have been fasting for weeks, living on bread and water only when needs must, trying to keep my soul pure and intently focused on the task in hand. Perfection can only be acchieved through suffering and self denial. How I hate indulgence! How I hate hedonism! They remind me of him. But he is dead. My body aches, bruised and sore underneath this black cloth. I would not sleep in the bed they gave me, could not allow such a luxury for myself. It would be too dangerous. I must never become apathetic. Yet even through this hunger, and this pain, I must hold my head high, for that is the nature of God's grace.  Ah, self denial... Is it a punishment or a reward? Sometimes I am not terribly sure. There is a grim satisfaction to be derived from making myself suffer so. An ecstasy which can only be found through physical discomfort. It keeps my head clear... Clear...ah...no...everything is swimming...how I hate this mortal body, with its base and human needs. I...am hungry. No...my body is hungry...but my soul hungers more. I will not give in to the petty desires which rule over man. I must prevail without showing even a hint of my small, small sacrifice to Officer Bennet. It is for the glory of God alone. I will bear it with grace. For the glory of God. All roads lead to Silent Hill. What a sacred temple this town is. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 1st, 2006
10:55 pm	All is part of God's plan, and nothing can exist but through Her divine grace. What has become of society? When did believing in God's mercy make a person suddenly be decreed insane? God lives. Why do they not see? My heart is bleeding with pity. Does the world not suffer enough? But I am not bitter. I do not blame the ignorant. God will save everyone, even those who are blind to her existence. They believe me to be simple minded, and they believe themselves to be doing me a kindness. They too, one day, will feel the joy of God's everlasting Paradise. They will feel the light upon their faces, and they will know God's love. I have learned my lesson. I will not be hubris. I will bide my time. I will pray, I will watch, and I will wait for Her arrival. Just as Alessa (Oh! My dearest Alessa!) is her earthly vessel, I too will be a vessel. A spiritual vessel, who will share Her hope with the world. For now, I cannot leave this place. But I will persevere. I will teach them all about God's love. About the holy fire which will cleanse the world. My dreams, as of late, are restless. I see a woman, androgynous and in posession of great authority. A great protector, she weilds masculine power as only a woman can and, although she does not believe, God has chosen her as my aide. What joyous news for this woman! She will be a saint and, when the Eternal Paradise is finally here on earth, when all sins are accounted for, and washed away in the lake of fire, few will be more blessed in God's kingdom. How blessed she is, innocent of her purpose in life. She will come to me seeking answers. But together, we will end all the suffering in the world. God speed, Officer Bennet, and Amen. (Comment on this)